A Line in the Sand

Why Boundaries Matter

“Do you want to hear about what I just read in the news?”

This is a regular question my husband asks me these days, and that’s a good thing.

For most of our thirty-nine years together, Jeff would usually launch into sharing whatever he found interesting in the news that day, regardless of whether I wanted to hear it or was busy with something else. I could be reading, writing, or listening to a podcast—it didn’t matter. Jeff loves the news, and he really loved sharing it with me. It didn’t matter if I was busy.

Perhaps you’re thinking…

How rude!

Although you could be right about the (potential) rudeness of Jeff’s news intrusion, this post isn’t about inconsiderate people. The bigger problem was that I didn’t tell him I was busy or that I didn’t want to hear about the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn a lower court ruling at that moment, for instance.

Perhaps you’re now wondering…

What’s up with that?

That is a good question! What is up with that?

What kept me from saying:

• I know you want to share, but now is not a good time.

• Not now; I’m busy.

• Stop. I’m in the middle of something.

My problem is that I struggled to set healthy boundaries.

Boundaries Explained

Boundaries are the limits, rules, or lines we set for our comfort. Healthy boundaries help us take ownership of our feelings, behaviors, and choices, while allowing others to take responsibility for theirs. Having healthy boundaries is a critical personal skill that enables us to thrive and effectively communicate our needs.

Boundaries can be divided into three different categories: rigid, soft, and healthy (the right balance between the other two). Individuals with soft boundaries often struggle to say no to others and frequently feel that they are being mistreated and taken advantage of. On the other hand, individuals who constantly wall themselves off and don't allow people to get close to them have hard, rigid boundaries.

A person with solid personal boundaries will feel comfortable saying 'no' when asked to do something they don’t want to do without feeling the need to apologize. Without clear boundaries, people often carry the burdens of others' problems or let others control their lives. In other words, people with clear boundaries won’t think twice about (ahem) asking someone not to share the news with them while they’re in the middle of a good book.

Just sayin’…

Photo by Erin Larson on Unsplash

Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries

If you aren’t sure if you can set healthy boundaries, see below for some tell-tale signs:

1. Soft Boundaries (too open)

• Saying yes when you mean no

• Feeling responsible for others' emotions or problems

• Difficulty expressing needs or desires

• Fear of rejection or guilt when setting limits

• Being manipulated or used

2. Rigid Boundaries (too closed)

• Avoiding intimacy or vulnerability

• Keeping people at a distance — even in healthy relationships

• Extreme independence; refusal to ask for help

• Building walls from past hurt or fear

• Trusting no one

Why We Struggle with Healthy Boundaries

People who find it difficult to set and adhere to their boundaries will tell you that setting boundaries is not as easy as it seems. Overly soft or rigid boundaries usually are the result of dysfunction, rather than a lack of knowledge. That’s why telling your friend to “just say no” is not a permanent fix to soft boundaries. Wounds, false beliefs, and distorted theology may all contribute to the problem. Some common causes are listed below:

• Fear of rejection: You may have learned that love and acceptance are based on performance, compliance, or being “good.” The need for love and acceptance—and let’s be clear, these are good, godly needs—may lead you to avoid setting even healthy boundaries in order to ensure connection.

• Missing identity and low sense of self-worth: You may believe you only have value when you are needed or approved of. Without a clear sense of self, boundaries can feel selfish or wrong.

• Family of origin wounds: If healthy boundaries weren’t modeled when you grew up, you likely don’t know what good boundaries look like. Perhaps autonomy was punished in your family, or saying ‘no’ was viewed as betrayal. If you grew up neglected by your parents, you likely learned not to expect your needs to matter.

• Co-dependency or people pleasing behaviors: If you grew up in a chaotic, emotionally unsafe environment, you may have become hyper-aware of others' moods and try to regulate everyone else’s peace by sacrificing your own. It can be intimidating to set a boundary, fearing it may trigger someone’s anger.

• Unhealed trauma: Trauma teaches the brain that safety comes from staying silent, avoiding confrontation, and keeping others happy. When that happens, setting healthy boundaries may trigger emotions like anxiety, guilt, or panic.

• Distorted theology: Many Christians believe that loving others means having no boundaries. They may equate self-denial with self-erasure. Misunderstood phrases based on Scripture, such as turning the other cheek, dying to self, or serving others, can fuel shame around setting boundaries. However, Jesus loved fully and set boundaries wisely. (More on that in a minute.)

As you look over the list above, do any of them resonate with you? (All of them have played a role in my difficulty in saying no.) If you suspect that you have a problem with boundary setting due to something I listed above, write it down. We’ll circle back to it shortly.

Perhaps you have the opposite problem of setting too-rigid boundaries. The issues listed above could also result in setting hard boundaries that also interfere with a healthy emotional connection. It could be that in childhood or early adulthood, you had to become hyper-independent to survive emotionally or even physically. Sometimes, rigid boundaries are rooted in shame, which teaches people to hide, protect, and isolate. For example, if you believe you are “too much” or “not good enough,” you may use rigid boundaries to avoid being exposed emotionally.

It’s important to note that we’re not looking for root causes to cause you guilt or shame or to blame your parents for your problems. Instead, we’re aiming to understand and name our experience so that we can heal.

Distorted Theology

Because many of my readers are followers of Jesus, let’s go a bit deeper as to why some Christians have trouble setting boundaries.

Christ-followers who struggle with setting boundaries often suffer from a combination of misunderstood theology, cultural expectations within the church, and personal fears. Let’s look at this a bit closer:

• Misinterpretation of Biblical love and selflessness: Some Christians equate love with always being available, never saying no, or putting others first to the point of personal harm. Scriptures such as “Deny yourself and take up your cross” (Luke 9:23) can be taken out of context to wrongly support the idea that a person should not have healthy boundaries. In the verses surrounding this passage in Luke, Jesus is urging his followers to dedicate their lives to Him rather than clinging to the false belief that living for themselves brings life. He says, “Whoever loses their life for Me will save it” (emphasis added). He did not say, “Whoever loses their life for those around them will save it”. He knew that total self-sacrifice in every situation could become an idol. He called His followers to focus on Him while serving those around them, not just to focus on the people they serve.

  Jesus understood this principle well and lived it out. He loved deeply, but He also withdrew to pray (Mark 1:35), and He didn’t heal everyone who surrounded Him. He only did what He saw His father doing. (See John 5:19). He also set limits with people, e.g., the rich young ruler walked away, and Jesus didn’t chase him. (See Mark 10:17-22).

  Having healthy boundaries is an important spiritual discipline. Dr. Henry Cloud would agree. In his book, “Boundaries,” Cloud says this:

  “A person who has boundaries can say ‘no’ to the bad in order to say ‘yes’ to the good”.

  In other words, healthy boundaries are not about being selfish, but about prioritizing what is good, life-giving, and aligned with God’s will. By learning to say no, we create space to say yes to the things that truly matter.

• Fear of appearing unloving or ungodly: For some Christians, saying "no" or enforcing limits can feel selfish or un-Christ-like. They worry about being judged as unkind or unspiritual. This fear can silence healthy instincts to protect one’s time, energy, and emotional well-being. That consequence is anything but Godly.

• A church culture that glorifies being busy over connecting to God: In some church communities, being busy, serving constantly, or sacrificing personal needs is seen as spiritual maturity. As a result, many Christians wear themselves out trying to "do it all." If you are part of that kind of community, you may feel valued more for what you do than who you are. If this describes your church community, consider whether it may be time to find a new church.

• Lack of teaching on boundaries in Christian discipleship: Without a theological framework for boundaries, many believers either default to martyr-like behavior or put up walls so high that no one is allowed in. Neither option represents the ideal for Christian discipleship. It would be helpful to receive teaching about Jesus' own use of boundaries (e.g., withdrawing from crowds, saying "no," and differentiating between people-pleasing and true compassion). Many churches don’t seem to recognize that we are embodied beings with emotions and relationships that impact our faith walk. If you are part of a church that doesn’t offer discipleship on how to have healthy boundaries, you’re not alone.

• People-pleasing and co-dependency masquerading as ministry: Some Christians unconsciously rely on helping others to help them feel valuable or accepted. Sadly, this was part of my story. Although I knew God gave me a heart to pastor others, my own wounds kept me from setting healthy boundaries to manage my gift. As I have healed, I have learned to operate in my gift differently. I still have empathy for my clients and those I minister to, AND I no longer take on responsibility for their emotions or outcomes.

• Confusing forgiveness with reconciliation: Followers of Christ are taught to forgive, but that doesn’t mean we have to reconcile with unsafe people. Reconciliation requires mutual responsibility and safety, and boundaries help create that. For example, it’s possible to forgive an abusive spouse but not allow them back in the house until healing and trust have been rebuilt. That’s called setting a healthy boundary.

Contrary to what some may believe, boundaries actually help us grow spiritually and emotionally. Dr. Cloud puts it this way:

“God wants us to be free, not under the control of others or of our own impulses.”

Quite right.

Living in freedom requires that we have healthy boundaries—indeed, healthy boundaries are part of managing the freedom Christ died to give us. Healthy boundaries reflect God’s design for human freedom, responsibility, and love. Remember, God gave Adam and Eve the freedom to choose by putting the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil in the Garden (Gen 2:16-17). He set boundaries for them, but they were still free to ignore His boundaries.

Next Steps

If you need to improve at setting and living with healthy boundaries, see below for some suggestions to get started:

1. Name the root wounds for your behavior

Healing starts with honesty. Look back over the previously listed root causes of poor boundaries. Ask God to help you assess:

• Where were my boundaries violated in the past?

• When did I learn that my “no” wasn’t safe?

• Who taught me (directly or indirectly) that love = self-erasure?

Example: If your needs were dismissed as a child, you may have learned to suppress them in adulthood.

Take time to grieve and acknowledge your anger. Please note: Naming harm is different than judging others. Be careful not to judge; leave judgment to God (Matt 7:1-5).

2. Choose to forgive

I discussed the importance of forgiveness in last week's post. Remember, you can forgive and still say: “I won’t allow this anymore.”

3. Name your fear

What are you afraid will happen if you let someone in or if you set a healthy boundary? Ask Jesus to show you where you learned that belief. Ask Him to be with you in that fear. Ask Him to show you His truth about your fear. Journal what you see, sense, or hear.

4. Renew Your Mind with Truth

Boundaries are biblical, loving, and wise. Let scripture reframe your beliefs:

• “You are not responsible for everyone’s emotions.” (Galatians 6:5)

• “You can love others without losing yourself.” (Matthew 22:39)

• “God gives you permission to guard your heart.” (Proverbs 4:23)

Consider writing out declarations that you can speak over yourself every day.

5. Practice Small “Nos” Without Guilt

• Practice setting boundaries with people you are not in a direct relationship with. For example, for some people, just telling the receptionist at the doctor's office that you can’t make a scheduled appointment can be good practice.

• Delay responding to a request until you've thought and prayed. Practice saying, “Thanks for asking. Let me get back to you.”

• Speak your feelings kindly but clearly. “I’m glad you invited me, but I can’t come to your party as I have other commitments that day.” As Brené Brown says, “Kindness is clarity.”

• Let others be responsible for their emotions. If you struggle to do this, you may need support to get healing from wounds and false beliefs that keep you stuck.

If you do experience guilt when setting a boundary, notice it and name it. For example, with Jeff, I might say, “I feel some guilt telling you that I don’t want to hear the news.” After processing my guilt together, Jeff helped me recognize my false belief that it was my job to make him happy.

What you don’t want to do is let guilt dictate your actions. Name the guilt and tune into the message it is giving you. Often, it is the result of believing something that just isn’t true. If you are unsure about what is true, ask Jesus. He IS the truth.

Remember, each time you set a healthy boundary, it builds your sense of safety and agency.

6. Invite God into the process

Jesus honors healthy boundaries. Remember, He only did what He saw His father doing. Pray for:

• Courage to speak truth in love (Ephesians 4:15)

• Discernment to know when to say yes and no (Philippians 1: 9–10)

• Truth, when you experience guilt, and the strength to keep growing

7. Consider getting support

Healing often needs:

• Therapy or Christian counseling

• Mentors who model healthy boundaries

• Books (like Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend)

*Please reach out if you want help in your healing journey.

In closing, remember, healthy boundaries are not about keeping people out; they’re about protecting what God entrusted to you so you can love others from a place of truth, strength, and peace. I pray that all of your boundaries are healthy and Godly!