When Forgiveness is a Weapon

Although many years have passed, I still cringe when I think about the clumsy—if not hurtful—care I provided to a friend who was drowning in pain, shock, and confusion. The woman’s husband was having an affair and, after 25+ years of marriage, decided he wanted to start life over with someone else. A bomb went off in this family, and everyone who knew them was covered in shrapnel.

It was awful.

Upon reflection, I did many good things for my friend: I cooked, I cried with her, and I listened a lot. However, I am guilty of doing what many well-meaning people who are trying to be kind do: I talked to her about forgiving her husband wayyyy before she was ready…big mistake.

I still feel some guilt about it.

Insensitivity—even if well-meaning and based on truth—can cause significant harm to the individual and the relationship, especially if the individual on the receiving end is already in pain. In this case, I was insensitive in bringing up forgiveness while my friend was still in shock and grief.

Although our friendship survived my mistake, I learned that in my desire to help my friend feel better, I missed her heart, and in doing so, I added pain to her pain.

Ugh.

Perhaps you’re wondering how I got it so wrong?

Why Forgiveness Matters

Anyone who follows Jesus knows that forgiveness is at the center of the Christian faith: Jesus forgives us of our sins, so we are commanded to forgive others. Jesus made this mandate clear when He taught his disciples to pray: ”Forgive us our sins AS we forgive those who sin against us.” He again emphasized this point in Matthew 6:14-15:

“If you forgive others… your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

Forgiving others is for our sake as much as it is for others’ sake.

It brings freedom, healing, and makes the restoration of relationships a possibility.

It’s been said that refusing to forgive is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Indeed, when we hold onto anger, resentment, or bitterness, the pain stays alive in our body and mind.

Forgiving others also restores our power by enabling us to no longer be controlled by what someone else did. Releasing forgiveness declares, “You hurt me, but you don’t define me. I choose to live free.”

Although forgiveness doesn’t always lead to a restored relationship—my friend didn’t reconcile with her husband— without it, reconciliation is impossible. Forgiveness clears the path for:

• Healthy boundaries

• Mutual understanding

• New beginnings (when trust can be rebuilt)

Choosing to forgive can also help to break generational patterns of bitterness. Unforgiveness is often passed down through anger, silence, or dysfunction. By choosing to forgive, one can:

• Heal family systems

• Change the atmosphere for future generations

• End cycles of blame and pain

Lastly, forgiveness sets us free to love again. Forgiveness makes space in our heart, not just to survive, but to love and trust again. It makes wholeness possible.

All of these reasons make a compelling case for why I suggested that my friend forgive her husband.

Although my reasons may have been right, my timing was all wrong.

Wound Care

Broaching the topic of forgiveness before my friend had fully named and processed her pain and anger was the equivalent of bandaging up a shrapnel wound without first picking out the fragments from her skin. Indeed, it can cause more harm than healing in several ways:

• Emotional bypassing (asking her to forgive before she had identified and processed her emotions) communicates the message, “Your pain doesn’t matter.” This message invalidates their experience and can deepen the wound.

• It can create internal conflict. If someone forgives before they’ve processed their anger, grief, or loss, they may experience guilt for continuing to feel hurt long after the offense, or they may question if they truly forgave the offender.

• Pressure to forgive can sound like a spiritual or moral obligation rather than a healing invitation. This can lead the wounded person to feel condemned for not being a “good” Christian.

• It can short-circuit the healing journey. Forgiveness and healing take time.

  If we don’t allow enough time to process hurts and wounds before forgiving someone, chances are that the denial and repression of pain will continue to plague the person far beyond what might be expected.

Steps for Healing

Healing doesn’t require that we forget or pretend the offense didn’t matter. It means we’re no longer defined, controlled, or undone by what happened. Although everyone’s journey will be slightly different, several basic steps can help facilitate healing:

• Name the hurt honestly. You can’t heal what you don’t name. Acknowledge what happened and how it affected you—emotionally, physically, relationally, spiritually. Journaling, prayer, or talking with a safe person can help bring clarity.

• Feel the pain without shame. Because grief is part of the healing process, don’t rush it or apologize for feeling the way you do. Allow yourself to cry, lament, feel angry, or feel confused. These are human and holy responses to being hurt. Scripture promises that God will be close to you as you grieve (Psalm 34:18).

• Invite God into your pain. Remember, Jesus understands betrayal, rejection, abuse, and abandonment. He is more than able to meet you where you are. Consider offering this prayer:

“Lord, this offense hurt me deeply. I feel _____ (list all your emotions). Help me see where You were when this happened to me. What do You want me to know about and learn from this wound? Please comfort me in my pain.”

• Set safe boundaries. Healing doesn’t require reconciliation, especially in toxic or unsafe situations. It’s okay to say “no more” to ongoing harm because boundaries protect the healing process and restore dignity to the person who was harmed.

• Invite others into your healing. Healing rarely occurs in isolation, so consider talking with trusted friends, a pastor, a counselor, or a support group. Scripture encourages us to carry one another’s burdens (Gal 6:2).

• Eventually, choose to forgive. Forgiveness isn’t instant; it’s a process. However, it’s essential for your freedom, and it will help facilitate your healing. Although you may never feel like forgiving the person who hurt you, you can decide to forgive so that your heart is not held hostage by what the other person did. If you get stuck in this step, consider saying this prayer:

“Jesus, thank You that You continue to forgive me when I make mistakes and when I hurt You and others. Please pour out your endless forgiveness into my heart right now (open your hands to receive it.) Give me an abundance of your grace and forgiveness that I can pass on to _____, who hurt me. (Wait until you feel Jesus has given you what you need.) Jesus, I choose to pass this forgiveness on to ____, who has hurt me. I forgive _______ for ________. Please guide me as to what (if anything) I need to do next. (Listen for what He may be saying.)

• Let time and grace do their work. Healing takes time; be patient with yourself. Some days, you’ll feel at peace; others, you may feel raw again. That’s okay. There isn’t anything wrong with you. Learn to celebrate progress as you heal.

Don’t Stop There

One of the most powerful ways to move toward healing and freedom is to bless the person who hurt you. I understand that it may feel unnatural—maybe even unjust—to do so, but spiritually and emotionally, blessing the offender is an attack on the kingdom of darkness in several ways:

• It breaks the power of bitterness. When you’ve been wounded, your heart can stay chained to the offense through resentment. We tend to want to replay the offense over and over in our minds. Blessing interrupts that cycle. Remember, bitterness binds; blessing breaks.

“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.” (Rom 12:14)

• It allows God to be God. When we choose to bless, we are choosing to focus on God’s power to restore instead of the person’s power to wound. We also posture our hearts to trust that God is the just judge, so we don’t have to carry the burden of revenge.

• It helps us operate in the Spirit. When we bless someone who has hurt us, we move out of the realm of the flesh (anger, retaliation) and into the realm of the Spirit (grace, strength). Flesh decays; the Spirit brings life.

• It validates your identity as a child of God. If we let our response mirror the offender’s behavior (hatred for hatred, silence for silence), their sin will begin to shape our souls. Blessing, on the other hand, affirms two key points: 1. “I am not what they did to me.” 2. “I am someone who responds like Christ.”

• It facilitates emotional release: When we choose to bless those who hurt us, especially when we don’t feel like it, the action acts like a meat tenderizer for our hearts: we soften. Blessing dismantles the emotional grip the offender may have over us.

• It reflects the heart of God: God blesses people who rebel against Him, and invites us to do the same through His Spirit. You’re never more like Christ than when you bless someone who doesn't deserve it. (See Luke 23:34).

If you choose to bless someone who hurt you, you could say a prayer like this:

“God, this person hurt me, but I release them to You. Bless them with conviction, healing, and transformation. Bless their relationships, their work, and their finances. Set me free from bitterness. Fill me with peace. Let Your justice and mercy transform both of our lives.” In Jesus’ name I pray.

Some Caution

If you know someone who is stuck in a loop of bitterness and pain and think it might be helpful to suggest forgiving the offender so they can get free, by all means, ask God to help you know what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. The point is to be led by God’s Spirit when someone is in pain, rather than using spiritual principles as a band-aid fix. Had I been tuned into what God was saying, I would not have discussed forgiveness with my friend at that time.

If you happen to be in the position of supporting a friend or family member who has been hurt by someone else, it can be equally harmful to encourage the person NOT to forgive the offender. I have witnessed this many times, even in people who claim to follow Jesus. I’ve heard several variations of this statement: “So-and-so doesn’t deserve your forgiveness.”

If you hear those words spoken to you, repeat after me: “Get behind me, Satan.”

Why?

God forgives you and every despicable person in the world. No one, including you, deserves to be forgiven, yet God forgives us anyway. If you or someone else encourages another person not to forgive, this is equivalent to an act of warfare against the kingdom of light. Be very cautious when giving advice that doesn’t align with biblical principles. Remember that our battle is not against flesh and blood (the person who hurt us); it’s “against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Eph 6:12).

Although reconciliation isn’t always possible or advisable, forgiveness is non-negotiable for followers of Jesus.

Dear Reader,

I’d love to know if you have ever experienced pain when someone encouraged you to forgive without attending to your wounds, or if you have been stuck in pain because you didn’t forgive someone. What did you do to process your pain? 👇🏻

As always, please reach out if you need help with your healing.