Me too! I find it really hard not to take responsibility for the other person's feeling, especially if they are mad/sad because of something I did! I'm not sure how to balance connecting with them and their emotions but not accepting responsibility for them. Will you talk about that either next week or some point in the future Jeanie?
Thank you for sharing your struggle, Mike! The issue you describe is very common (and hard!) It's really helpful to remember a couple of things about feelings: 1. They are not good or bad--they just are. 2. They belong to the person who is having them, not you. Here's the hard part: When you are in relationship with someone, you will naturally "inspire" emotion, in the other person--good ones (like joy) and hard ones (like anger.) It is a natural part of every relationship. However, when we get good at acknowledging the other person's emotion ("I hear you") and being a safe container for that emotion (not trying to defend or minimize because remember, feelings just ARE), the other person can process and release that emotion pretty quickly AND by doing so, you are building emotional connection with that person. When we try to defend ourselves or minimize what the other person is feeling, that actually reactivates that emotion and it becomes harder for them to "discharge" it.
While there could be a need for repentance/forgiveness, that actually is a separate transaction. If we "skip" the step of emotionally connecting with the other person (even if you think they're nuts for feeling the way they are), saying sorry won't have the effect you are hoping for. It keeps them "stuck" in the emotion. The key here is to help them process what's going on. I hope this makes sense!
Thanks again for raising this important and hard struggle :)
I get it Chris! I fight this too. Wanting to fix things isn't bad, it's just not very connecting/honoring for the other person. Thank you for sharing your struggle. I pray that you are are able to practice emotional connection in a meaningful way. Let me know how you get on!
I struggle with this especially as a "fix things" kind of person. I sometimes (almost always) make it worse. Thank you.
Me too! I find it really hard not to take responsibility for the other person's feeling, especially if they are mad/sad because of something I did! I'm not sure how to balance connecting with them and their emotions but not accepting responsibility for them. Will you talk about that either next week or some point in the future Jeanie?
Thank you for sharing your struggle, Mike! The issue you describe is very common (and hard!) It's really helpful to remember a couple of things about feelings: 1. They are not good or bad--they just are. 2. They belong to the person who is having them, not you. Here's the hard part: When you are in relationship with someone, you will naturally "inspire" emotion, in the other person--good ones (like joy) and hard ones (like anger.) It is a natural part of every relationship. However, when we get good at acknowledging the other person's emotion ("I hear you") and being a safe container for that emotion (not trying to defend or minimize because remember, feelings just ARE), the other person can process and release that emotion pretty quickly AND by doing so, you are building emotional connection with that person. When we try to defend ourselves or minimize what the other person is feeling, that actually reactivates that emotion and it becomes harder for them to "discharge" it.
While there could be a need for repentance/forgiveness, that actually is a separate transaction. If we "skip" the step of emotionally connecting with the other person (even if you think they're nuts for feeling the way they are), saying sorry won't have the effect you are hoping for. It keeps them "stuck" in the emotion. The key here is to help them process what's going on. I hope this makes sense!
Thanks again for raising this important and hard struggle :)
I get it Chris! I fight this too. Wanting to fix things isn't bad, it's just not very connecting/honoring for the other person. Thank you for sharing your struggle. I pray that you are are able to practice emotional connection in a meaningful way. Let me know how you get on!
This is a very good read. I would like to learn more about acknowledging emotions.
Thanks Linda for your feedback! I'll be addressing this issue next week as well. Stay tuned...
I see I still have a lot of work to do in this area.
Jeanne If it's any consolation, I'm still working on it too! :)