Unexpected Healing from a California "Angel"
An angel showed up at my house this week, and I’m ashamed to admit I had mixed feelings about it.
Don’t get me wrong: I knew God had sent this angel-like helper to provide much-needed support. She drove from California to Utah—an eleven-hour drive, plus a rest-stop sleepover in her car—to support us at a crazy time…
…Oh, what an angel, indeed.
Initially, I didn’t think we needed anyone to help us. Yes, we expected June to be busy, but we weren’t worried about getting everything done. Besides the usual work stuff, we had committed to helping our daughter and husband landscape their home, and signed up to spend a week serving at an overnight summer camp for foster kids. Sure, it would be hectic, but we have no problem with working hard.
It wasn’t until we unexpectedly bought a house(!) and added moving to the to-do list that we began to wonder how we’d cope.
As seasoned movers with nineteen moves under our belt, we knew what was ahead of us. Moving can be physically and emotionally demanding, especially when tackling tasks like packing up hundreds of books that we have no intention of reading again. Still, we box 'em up anyway because hey— “you never know.”
I mean, what’s an extra five hundred pounds among friends?
Believe it or not, despite adding a move to our growing to-do list, I more or less trusted that everything would work out in the end. God opened the door for us to buy the house, so we assumed He'd have a plan for how we’d get it painted and moved in by the end of the month.
Never in a million years did I think the plan would involve an angel from California driving cross-country in a Toyota.
My Issues Revealed by the Angel
For more reasons than one, I was initially resistant to the angel’s offer to help us. It seemed excessively generous—over the top, even—that a young woman should drive across multiple states to come pack boxes and offer to make lunch for us. I was uncomfortable with that kind of generosity.
I also worried about having the capacity to take care of the angel. It’s inconceivable to me that I would have a guest angel in my house and not feel it necessary to cook nice meals and keep the house clean, even in the middle of packing to move. Sure, she may be coming to help us, but gosh darn it, that doesn’t give me permission to not look after her.
Although it may be blatantly obvious to you by now that I indeed have “issues,” I didn’t become fully aware of what was happening inside me until the day the angel arrived. When I received her text stating her upcoming arrival time, I became stirred to the point of tears.
Why?
She was arriving earlier than I expected, and I wasn’t ready.
Oh, dear Lord…
In the past, I would have dropped what I was doing at the time and run home to get ready. I had already started a grocery list in my head and had planned what to make for lunch as I scurried home from my hike. It wasn’t until tears were running down my face that it suddenly occurred to me that I should slow down and tune in to what was going on inside me.
Even I could tell by then that my reaction was a bit extreme…
(What can I say? I can be slow sometimes.)
Healing Through Encounter
Instead of taking a shortcut home, I continued on my hike.
I tried to name what I was feeling:
Anger that I wasn’t ready for my guest
Shame that I felt angry (What’s wrong with me?)
Guilt that I felt stressed
Sad that I couldn’t appreciate the incredible gift of the angel’s arrival
Shame that my house wasn’t clean
Fear that taking care of the angel would mean I wouldn’t get my work done
Shame to admit the help would be helpful
Whew! No wonder I was in tears.
Determined to get to the bottom of my disregulation, I did the only thing I knew to do: I cried out to God.
Jesus, what is happening right now?
Within seconds, I saw a picture of myself (in my mind) when I was about three or four years old. I was with my older sister, and she was helping me button up my coat. Somewhere “off camera,” I heard the voice of a parent making fun of me because I needed help. I distinctly felt mocked and shamed.
My heart hurt for little three-year-old Jeanie. I was sad she was made to feel that it’s not okay to need help. Although that teasing comment may not have been my parents’ intent, I learned that not knowing how to do something or having to ask for assistance is a shameful thing.
That lesson has driven my behavior since.
I was thankful that I had the trail to myself because, at this point, my silent tears turned into a full-blown wail. I grieved for this little girl who felt alone in her need and was afraid to ask for help.
I then remembered her at five being afraid to ask to bring a playmate into the house to use the toilet, so my friend peed in the yard instead.
I got spanked when my mother saw my friend peeing on the rocks.
Instead of being treated with curiosity and compassion as to why I might be afraid to bring my friend inside, I got punished.
Ooof, that hurt.
All of a sudden (in my mind), I saw Jesus pick up my younger self, and He held her close. I felt His comfort instead of shame and experienced the unspoken assurance that it’s okay to ask for and receive help. I was able to see that my guilt and shame have deep roots, and I finally understood that forcing myself to accept help does not heal the pain of the shame.
Instead, I learned to cover the shame by busying myself with helping others.
Although it’s not wrong to want to bless and serve others, God showed me that some of my service actions have been driven by a need to cover my shame.
Here’s what’s so cool: Jesus came and covered my shame instead.
“Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; for you will forget the shame of your youth…” (Isa 54:4)
What This Means for You
Although I suspect very few of you will be able to relate to my particular struggle since, um…it’s mine, we all have ways of thinking and behaving that are the result of unprocessed emotional pain. Often, the roots of the pain originate from “innocent” childhood experiences. It’s hard to imagine that the teasing of a parent or sibling over something as minor as not being able to button my coat would drive behaviors well into my sixties…
…but it’s true.
I wonder what you may be dealing with.
A drive to climb the corporate ladder despite hating your job
A pattern of nighttime overeating that you can’t seem to stop
An inability to feel good about yourself unless your house is spotless
A habit of people pleasing, despite willing yourself to stop
A habit of needing another gadget, a piece of clothing, or some other material thing to find satisfaction in your life
Consistently putting the needs of others ahead of your own
A habit of self-soothing with alcohol, drugs, porn, etc.
Compulsive spending or stinginess
Because many of us aren’t aware of the ingrained ways of thinking or behaving that may need healing, it may be difficult to recognize the blind spots on your own.
If that’s you, here are a few suggestions:
Ask God to show you where you are stuck: He knows you better than you know yourself. Ask Him to highlight areas that need healing.
Pay attention to your emotions: Your emotions are messengers; they provide a clue as to what is happening inside of you. For example, remember how many emotions bubbled up when my angel sent me her arrival time? All of them gave me information about where I might need healing. Instead of running home to escape the guilt I felt, I allowed myself to acknowledge what was happening, and I asked God to help me. So, if you are a person who feels angry every time your spouse questions how much you spent on something, or you feel afraid to be honest about how you spend your time, be curious about what might be going on there.
Lastly, keep in mind that knowledge doesn’t automatically bring healing. In my case, God first revealed to me the root of my shame (the picture of me needing help with my coat), and that gave me a profound revelation. However, it wasn’t until Jesus met me in that shame (by picking me up and comforting me) that the shame broke off.
My encounter with Jesus was a lived-out experience of what we know from scripture:
“Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.” (Psalm 34:5)
Reading scripture is good.
Encountering the God revealed in scripture is even better.
The Pathway to Encounter
If you have identified an issue you want to work on (either by asking God or noticing the emotions that bubble up), the first step is to ask Him to show you the root or the first time you felt shame, fear, guilt, hurt, etc.
God speaks in all sorts of ways, so I can’t predict what will happen next. However, I encourage you to be open to “seeing” a memory as I did or “hearing” something in your heart, or you may just have a “sense” about what He is trying to show you.
If you see a younger part of yourself—some people call this an inner child—you could ask Jesus to be with that part if you aren’t resistant. (Not all inner children want to spend time with Jesus. Some are afraid.) Either way, it’s helpful to hear what this child has to say and allow whatever emotions come up to be expressed. If Jesus is present, take note of what He says and does. It’s important to note that Jesus doesn’t always appear as a long-haired guy in sandals. You may not even see Him, but instead, you may sense His presence.
One thing is for sure: when Jesus comes, transformation follows.
In Closing
I have one final encouragement for you: transformation is a journey. You may not experience instant change, and that’s okay!
After my recent encounter with Jesus, I felt a shift in my thoughts and behaviors. I didn’t go to the store or run home to clean my house before my helper angel arrived. And even though I still feel mildly uncomfortable that my home is messy, I’m not doing anything about it. (I’m moving, for goodness's sake!)
Today, I experienced a notable breakthrough. I was sitting outside writing this post when my helper angel came out to ask me if I’d like a coffee. Instead of feeling guilty that she would serve me, I felt incredibly blessed.
I saw Jesus holding that little girl again.
This time, He told her it was okay to receive care.
And that is the best feeling in the world…
If you would like help in your healing journey, please reach out.