Thirty Years of Pain Spilled in the Hot Tub

When Unprocessed Pain Takes Over

The swell of emotion took me by surprise.

Jeff and I had been excitedly talking about our newest grandson and our commitment to support his parents while we sat in our hot tub. Before I knew what was happening, I was overtaken with tears of grief and the pain of profound loneliness.

My mind took me back to the days after I had my second child. Unlike my daughter and her husband, who just welcomed their second child with great support and care, I had no one.

Not even Jeff.

Sure, he lived in the same house, but he was physically and emotionally unavailable to me. He was committed to completing a full-time military school and a master’s degree in about eleven months, and his schedule was insane.

Mine was, too.

I had a feisty two-and-a-half-year-old and a colicky newborn who struggled to sleep. I often slept on our closet floor with my new baby on my chest because I couldn’t bear the long nights alone in his room. I tried to comfort myself, knowing Jeff was either working or snoozing on the other side of the closet door.

I knew no one in Prattville, Alabama—the place we settled just two weeks before our son was born. (Yes, we moved from England to Alabama when I was eight and a half months pregnant.) I never thought about what it would be like to leave my business and a community of people who were like family to me for a place devoid of connection. (The photos below were taken at one of my going away parties just before we moved.)

Back then, we never gave stuff like that a second thought.

Of course, I got through it because that’s what you do. I coped with the pain by building a wall around my heart.

It wasn’t until I recently sat in our hot tub that the pain rushed forward to make itself known.

I wept for my younger self.

Engaging My Whole Brain and Heart

Although I’ve thought about that season many times over the last thirty years, until my most recent experience in the hot tub with Jeff, I never allowed myself to feel what happened inside. The pain, loneliness, and fear of that year were packed away in moving boxes, carried from place to place in my heart.

Unprocessed emotion doesn’t disappear. It is stored in the body and eventually materializes in ways we can’t always predict—sometimes years later, as unexpected behaviors or physical pain. I never expected my pain to emerge when my daughter had her second child.

The problems associated with unprocessed pain are significant:

• Unprocessed emotional distress often becomes physically expressed in the body. Back pain is just one common area where this tends to manifest. According to Dr. Alejandro Centurion, a neurologist based in New York, often chronic pain is not connected to structural problems but to emotional ones. I have a client who experienced chronic leg pain for years. When he was able to identify and process the pain of childhood trauma, his leg pain disappeared.

• Pain informs behavior. If you have a sprained ankle, you will walk with a limp. The same thing happens with emotional pain. For example, if you experienced shame as a child when a teacher humiliated you in front of the class, you may have developed a habit of overstudying or overpreparing to avoid the pain of that happening again. This often happens at an unconscious level, so it can be challenging to break free from perfectionism or performance behaviors. The root of the behavior must be addressed to facilitate permanent change.

• Sometimes, we make vows to behave in a certain way in reaction to our pain. For example, if you grew up in a harsh, punitive household, you may vow never to treat your children that way. So, instead of learning to discipline your child lovingly, you unconsciously just let your kids run wild. Unconscious vows can also impact your sex life. If you have experienced hurt, fear, loneliness, or shame regarding your sexuality (and who hasn’t?), those unprocessed emotions can prompt you to make vows regarding your sex life. “I will never…” The vows we make—even unconscious ones—are almost always in response to emotional pain.

• Unprocessed pain can negatively impact our relationship with God. Unless we acknowledge our pain to God and allow His truth into our experience, we may draw incorrect conclusions about His nature and character. For example, I never spoke to God about the pain I was in after my second child was born. (I didn’t even realize I could do that at that point in my life.) I incorrectly assumed I was completely alone in that season and that He didn’t care about what I was going through. That assumption informed my perception of God for years.

I wonder if your unprocessed pain also informs your perception of God.

If that is the case, what can be done about it?

God Breaks In

Years ago, I was working with a young man, “Steve,” who loved God but couldn’t seem to break free from a habit of hooking up with women or using porn when he felt lonely.

When I asked God to show him the first time he felt lonely, Steve remembered being left alone with his brother when he was about five. He didn’t have a dad in the house, and since he was the youngest, he slept in the same bed as his mom. Mom went out for the night and didn’t come home until morning. Steve saw in that memory his five-year-old self looking out the window for most of the night, waiting for her to return.

I asked Jesus to show Steve where He was when Steve was left alone that night. After a few minutes, Steve said he could see Jesus in that room, holding his arms out toward him, but little Steve didn’t want to go to him because he “had to wait for his mom.” Steve heard Jesus say, “I’ve got your mom. She’s safe.” Steve next saw a vision of his five-year-old self and his mom being pushed on a swing by Jesus. Little Steve was full of joy. His heart was at peace.

Because Jesus revealed Himself to little Steve in that encounter, Steve no longer believed that he was alone and that there was no one to comfort him. His experience with Jesus transformed his unconscious false belief that no one is there for him: He now knows Jesus is with him when he feels lonely.

That experience changed Steve’s life.

God revealed His truth to replace the root lie, and only then did the unwanted behaviors change.

God can do the same for you.

What You Can Do

Generally, I don’t recommend that anyone rack their brain looking for unprocessed emotions. Either they will make themselves known (like mine did), or they will be hidden under persistent physical pain or behaviors you can’t seem to shake. Begin instead by getting curious about the pain or behaviors.

If the former happens and you find yourself in the middle of an emotional pity party that you didn’t plan:

• Allow the emotions that are bubbling up to come out. Don’t push them back down just because this event happened ages ago.

• Allow yourself to feel the emotions and, if possible, talk about what’s happening with an attuned listener. (You don’t want someone telling you you need to get over it.)

• Consider journaling about how you feel. Ask God to speak to you about what happened. Ask him where He was when you had that experience. What does He want you to know? Do you have false beliefs about God because of that experience? What is God’s truth?

What about physical pain?

If you live with chronic physical pain, here are a few questions to ponder with God.

• Is there anyone I am angry with?

• Do I have emotional pain stored in my body? If so, where is it?

• Is there anyone I need to forgive?

• Is there a lie I believe about You?

• Is there a lie I believe about myself?

Medical professionals are increasingly coming around to the truth that a good deal of physical pain has emotional roots. I recently read about a woman named Charlie who got healed of debilitating chronic back pain by journaling about her emotions.

“Charlie began journaling following the mind-body technique. Even before she realized it, writing in her journal helped her release emotions from her childhood to adulthood that may have been building up tension and contributing to her stress. At first, she felt writing about things that annoyed her was pointless. But, she said, emotions often come out while journaling that one doesn’t even think about. It helped her process difficult emotions, and she began to feel her pain fading away.

Now, whenever she experiences new physical symptoms, she first looks inside, reminding herself to see how she is feeling at the moment. She considers painful sensations a message from her body asking her to “tune into something” she might have been ignoring. She said that the human body is so much more powerful than we think, and we have the tools within us to help ourselves.

What about persistent behaviors?

Perhaps, like Steve, you find it challenging to stop unwanted or annoying habits. Or maybe you notice that you consistently get triggered by someone else’s behavior. The first step is to become curious about the roots. Rather than brushing off the behavior or reaction with, “That’s just how I am,” consider whether unprocessed emotional pain may be driving that behavior.

• Journal about your emotions. Consider using the core emotions wheel to flush out all eight core emotions. You may be surprised by what comes up. When Steve began to explore what was driving him to use porn for comfort, he said he often felt lonely or overwhelmed (fearful) when temptation hit.

• Ask God to show you the first time you experienced that emotion. He may show you a memory that He wants to heal. Consider asking God where He was when that memory happened or what He wants you to know about the memory. The idea is to allow God’s truth to infiltrate and heal the painful places in your heart.

• Ask God if you need to forgive anyone.

• Ask God what His truth is.

I recently experienced this when Jeff wanted to discuss buying a mountain bike. As soon as he brought it up, I felt defensive and angry. I finally recognized that this is a persistent reaction for me. Whenever he wants to buy “a toy”—bikes, photography equipment, or gadgets of some kind—I respond similarly.

When I took the time to process my emotions with God, I was shocked at how much pain was there. I also recognized that I didn’t trust God to lead Jeff, so I reacted by trying to control his choices. It was messy.

After journalling and praying for close to an hour, I finally asked God to forgive me for trying to control Jeff because of my unprocessed fear that God would be angry if we didn’t steward our money well. I then released him to the Lord, and I immediately felt relief from the anger.

Now it’s your turn.

Before brushing off what you’ve read, sit quietly to see if God highlights anything in your life that He wants to address with you. Perhaps, like me, you have emotions packed away in moving boxes that have settled in your body or are informing your behavior.

Maybe it’s time to unpack them.

Dear Reader,

It can feel overwhelming to do this work by yourself. That overwhelming feeling is a message saying that you need someone to help you work through your experiences and buried emotions. While a trusted friend may be able to help, a trained counselor or coach will create a safe environment for you to face and process your past with kindness and compassion. He or she will help you “get to the other side” of the hurt without rushing or papering over what is happening within your heart. Reach out if you need help to do that.