Healing Relationships in Conflict

Hi! My name is Jeanie, and I’m a recovering fawner.

“What is that?” you ask.

Well, dear reader, a fawner is a person who “seeks safety by merging with the wishes, needs, and demands of others” (Steve Call, The Deep-Rooted Marriage). Fawners tend to pacify others, hoping that prioritizing the other person’s needs will avoid conflict.

Oh…how can you tell if you (or someone else) is a fawner?

Well, fawners can be difficult to spot; they like to blend in and not make waves. They are easy-breezy, get-along types who tend to keep the peace.

Fawners might:

• Agree to play Monopoly, even if they hate it.

• Hesitate to voice a preference about where to go on an outing because “I’m fine with whatever you guys decide.”

• Put up with rude, selfish people because they don’t want to make waves.

• Be reluctant to ask for what they need or want; often, it’s because they have no idea what their needs and wants are.

• Avoid hard conversations to keep the peace.

I could go on, but hopefully, you get the picture.

Although I could have earned every “fawner” badge in the Girl Scout handbook (if there were such a thing), I did not limit my conflict coping mechanisms to this one style. Oh no…

I could definitely fight if need be: fighters try to protect themselves by exerting power to gain control. Readers who have been with me for a while may remember my post that began with: “I once threw a shoe at Jeff’s head.” If that isn’t fighting behavior, I don’t know what is.

Besides fawning and fighting, I also flee. Flee-er types try to avoid conflict by removing themselves from it. This might entail physically walking away, but it could also involve emotionally withdrawing, disengaging, or retreating from the situation. You may recall from last week's post that I wanted to run away when I got triggered by my friends all having breakfast together without me. That’s a classic example of the flee (flight) response.

Occasionally, I have even found myself experiencing the freeze response. This happens when our bodies shut down and we struggle to move. Detaching and hunkering down is a way we sometimes try to stay safe until the conflict passes. I certainly had times as a child when I was frozen in fear when one of my parents was raging.

Can you relate to any of these responses?

If your answer is yes, you are not alone. Many of us have learned to avoid conflict as children. Sometimes it’s because that's what was modeled for us. At other times, we adopted these mechanisms to escape fear or alleviate the hurt, frustration, or disappointment we experienced in a tense moment.

It’s important to note that the body’s response to conflict—fight, flight, freeze, or fawn—is an unconscious reaction that is directed by the part of the brain called the amygdala. This is a primitive part of our brain that is trying to keep us from potential harm. This automatic response is very useful when we truly are in danger. However, it’s not particularly helpful when we’re trying to navigate conflict in relationships. Let’s face it: throwing shoes, running away, shutting down, or constantly submitting to the demands of someone else is not a good model for connection.

Keep in mind, conflict itself is not inherently harmful; it’s a natural and necessary part of any close relationship. Disagreements arise when two people with different perspectives, needs, or desires bump up against each other. The goal is not to avoid conflict, but to handle it in a way that strengthens rather than erodes emotional connection.

Believe it or not, it IS possible to stay connected in conflict.

When handled well, conflict can:

• Build trust by showing you can stay connected even in tension

• Reveal areas of misunderstanding or unmet needs

• Teach empathy, patience, and humility

By reframing conflict as an opportunity for intimacy and understanding, we shift the goal from winning to connecting.

And whether you recognize it or not, this is everybody’s heart’s desire.

Groundwork for Staying Connected

Before we explore some practical tools for staying connected in conflict, there is some spiritual groundwork that needs to be done. Let’s face it, most of us have built up a long list of hurts and offenses in our closest relationships—spouses, parents, siblings, children— that we have not named or forgiven. As someone who spent much of her life as a fawner, I spent years stuffing down hurt and pain to maintain peace. It wasn’t until I began the hard work of connecting to myself and learning to connect authentically and intimately with others that I began to recognize how hurt I was.

It’s only after we identify and name our past hurts that we can begin to heal. If we have backlogs of unnamed and unprocessed pain, we may find ourselves constantly responding to old traumas in our present context. As you can imagine, this is quite confusing to the person with whom you are in conflict, and it makes staying connected through the conflict even more challenging.

If you find yourself experiencing cycle after cycle of the same argument, or you recognize that you are very disconnected (shut down) in your interactions (saying “whatever” a lot might be a clue), I suggest you spend some time with God to dig deeper.

I can vouch for the importance of this process.

For example, until I started this work myself, I had no idea how much pain I had experienced and stored due to my husband’s voracious reading habit. I knew I had married an exceptionally intelligent and curious man; what I didn’t understand was that Jeff often used reading as a way to disconnect from others, including me. I still remember feeling hurt as a newlywed when he got absorbed in reading the cereal box(!) while I was talking to him over breakfast (sheesh!) We fought about this for several years until I finally gave up. I would either disappear in my head (flight) or try to engage him by asking questions about what he was learning (fawn), just to avoid the pain of not being seen by him. This pattern went on for years.

Over the past several years, I have learned that if I want to stop fleeing or fawning (and I do), I first need to deal with the pain buried deep inside me.

You can’t heal what you don’t name.

Whew…in this case, it was a lot.

To name the pain and loneliness without taking the next step of releasing the offender to God (aka forgiveness) will likely keep us stuck in a cycle of anger, bitterness, and offense. Not forgiving makes us bitter, and bitterness sets us up to re-experience the old hurt in a new context. Over time, this repeated experience of reacting to old pain in a new situation makes it very difficult to connect with others.

Choosing to forgive those who have hurt us disrupts the old ways of thinking and seeing others that can keep us stuck in painful relationship cycles. If you have said things like, “Here we go again!” or “This situation is never going to change!” try asking God if you need to forgive someone. Chances are, the answer is Yes. When that is the case, ask God who you need to forgive and for what you need to forgive them—it may not be the person in front of you at all!

If you find yourself resistant to forgiving, go back to the previous step and try naming the harm you experienced first. If you don’t have a safe person to talk to, it’s okay to complain to God about what you have suffered. You do not have to “spiritually bypass” your pain just because Jesus commands us to forgive others. Naming your hurt is actually the first step of forgiveness. After all, how can you forgive something you aren’t aware of or don’t want to face?

Choosing to forgive and release the other person paves the way for us to stay present and connected in conflict, because we’ve been freed from the prison of bitterness and resentment that keeps us stuck.

Keep in mind, breaking spiritual strongholds doesn’t guarantee that connection will be automatic or easy in conflict, but it does pave the way to create a different way of communicating.

Practical Strategies for Maintaining Connection

Relational conflict often begins when we experience differences of opinion, need, or interest. Rather than celebrating differences, we can sometimes feel threatened, which can result in feelings of anger or fear. We then lash out or withdraw, thus losing any hope of staying connected in our conflict.

One way to prevent this from happening is to slow down and tune in, first to yourself and then to the other person (such as a spouse, parent, child, or friend). When we slow down, we create time and space to choose a different response.

Granted, this can be difficult work, especially if the amygdala has activated in response to a detected threat; however, it does not need to remain in charge. As soon as you notice the urge to attack, run, or disconnect, pause and take several deep breaths. This simple (and not always easy) step can provide the space you need to feel safe and regain control; ultimately, this creates the possibility to connect with others.

Remember, trying to hide our pain or going on the offensive to protect ourselves robs us of the possibility of having more intimate relationships. And whether you know it or not, one of the most basic human needs is to be seen and known.

That is why this work is so important.

Let’s go back to the example I mentioned in last week's post: I initially tried to run away from the pain I felt when my friends went to breakfast without me. However, when I shared with Jeff and my friends what was happening inside me, the pain of disconnection had subsided. This is an excellent example of what it looks like to stay connected in conflict.

My activated amygdala was definitely prompting me to run, so it was difficult not to bolt. If that’s you, I get it. However, when we choose to pause and take a few deep breaths, we create space to take the necessary next steps for connection.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

If you manage to pause before you act or speak, you’re in an excellent position to take the next step toward connection: Share your emotions with another.

This is harder than it sounds. First of all, many of us have no idea what’s happening inside ourselves. We live our lives reacting to unnamed and unprocessed emotions instead of being able to identify what is happening inside us. I cringe when I think about the number of years I spent fighting with Jeff because of my accusations and judgments about why he was reading.

This pattern of interaction is counterproductive: Any time we make demands or use blaming language, we push people away. Ironically, the relational experience we hope for slips out of reach.

Because I’ve learned to identify and name my hurt and loneliness, Jeff is now invited to meet me in my pain and acknowledge my experience without defensiveness. (More on that in a minute.)

If you are like I was and struggle to articulate what is happening inside of you, I highly recommend committing to a daily workout with the Core Emotions Wheel (yes, we discussed this last week). By working through the wheel every day—naming the last time you experienced each emotion—you are training your brain to recognize what each one feels like in your body. This simple, daily process of naming what you feel and understanding what you need helps us to respond with clarity instead of reactivity.

The reason we practice identifying and expressing our emotions is to maintain connectedness in our relationships, even when facing challenging situations. Expressing emotion allows other people to hear what is happening for us without the pain of being attacked or blamed.

For example, when I walked into the cafe and saw my friends all eating together without me, I immediately said, “I am so sad you are eating without me.” I was only able to do this because I have been practicing with this wheel for a long time. I instantly knew I felt sad and had no trouble expressing my feelings. In the past, I likely would have resorted to fawning, “Oh wow! That breakfast looks amazing,” or I may have attacked: “I can’t believe you didn’t invite me to breakfast!” Either response would not have allowed me to connect with my friends in my pain.

Thankfully, my friends have also been doing this work for a while. They understood it was not their job to fix me, although they did want me to understand how their breakfast meeting came about.

Most of us want to defend ourselves or explain why the other person shouldn’t feel as they do. That kind of response does not help the person feel seen, nor does it provide them with the space they need to process their feelings. When someone expresses how they are feeling, it’s tempting to respond as though we are being judged—hence the need to defend or make excuses—rather than hearing the emotion as an invitation to offer comfort and care.

Thus, when I expressed my sadness at not being at breakfast with the rest of them, the ideal response would be something like, “I totally get that. Of course, you’re feeling sad. What do you need right now?” Making excuses as a way to defend ourselves doesn’t invite connection in the conflict.

When we seek to affirm and validate what the other person is experiencing, we can maintain a connection even when we are in conflict. Remember, you don’t have to understand or agree with the other person’s feelings to validate their experience; it’s their experience, and you don’t get to approve or disapprove what is happening for them.

A very simple way to do that is to respond to the other person’s emotion or experience with, “I hear you.” Two other helpful follow-on statements are:

• “What else is happening for you?” This question invites individuals to dig deeper and consider other potential layers of pain that may be bubbling up. Often, our initial response to a conflict is not the root of the issue. Further probing may be necessary.

• “What do you need?” This question invites the person who is upset to slow down and consider what they truly need. That may be different than what they initially thought.

For example, let’s say a wife is angry that her husband is on his phone at dinner. She might express anger to begin with: “I feel angry that you’re distracted and on your phone.”

Husband: “I hear you. What else is happening for you, right now?” (Notice that he doesn’t get defensive or tell her he was just checking the weather. If they have an agreement of no phones at the table, he might apologize for not upholding their agreement, but then continue to help her process her anger.)

Wife: “I’ve had a really hard day with the kids. I feel hurt that you haven’t asked me how I’m doing.”

Husband: “Oh wow. I get that. No wonder you feel hurt! Is there anything else?”

Wife: “Yes. I’m worried that Katie is hanging out with the wrong crowd at school.”

Husband: “I hear your fear. Help me understand what is going on with that.”

Wife explains her concerns.

Husband: “I understand that you're worried about Katie. What do you need right now?”

Wife: I need your help to figure out what to do.

*Notice that this conversation did not deteriorate into a fight. They managed to stay connected even though the wife was angry to begin with.

By committing to master this skill, we give our significant others the beautiful gift of being seen and known without being judged or fixed..

…and it’s in that space that healing can begin.

If you need help using the core emotion wheel to connect with others, you can download a free guide to emotions and the wheel here. If you would like more support in learning to figure out what’s happening inside you, please feel free to reach out to me or Jeff at inquiries@restorationcenter.life